Stories

Bismillah. Honestly, I dont know whats wrong with me. It becomes harder to get to know new people, to get into new circle (or is it that I'm being picky choosing my circle?). Currently I can't think straight, i feel like quitting everything and even quitting this life. yesterday my finger was slightly cut by a shaver i accidentally touched at the toilet. the blood came out. the whole night I couldn't sleep. the image of my arms, hands, foot, and thighs being cut open by the knife, the knife I brought from my internship. the imagination feels real. Then I, just like Japanese warriors, performed seppuku. I have imagined this plenty of time. I keep the knives away, afraid of what myself would do. Sometimes I can control it. When I can't, i divert my mind to somewhere else - listen to music, playing chess that makes me a loser some more, or anything, just anything that can settles my mind to not think abut that. I don't feel like starting this semester. I can...

Bismillah. I realized this semester has been very bad for me. everything. i started with positive vibes but through out this sem (currently week 9) I have not made any progress. I lied to myself, I know. and somehow I don't know how to escape myself. Last night I had terrible headache and very bad mood swing. and I know now I have many, MANY, works to be done but I just don't want to. I realized that now, if I feel forced to do something, I tend to NOT doing it. sucks huh. Anyway. reflecting myself again, I haven't done anything to reach my resolution this year. (some days i feel so lost- that I don't even know how to live my own life, Allahu)

It's new semester. I'm in my forth year studying engineering. Wow subhanallah. Kinda surprised but somehow i knew i can do this. However, i don't feel ready. At. All. Allahu. One of my close friend won't be here this semester. Can i live without her? I should be, as i told myself to not cling to other than Allah. But i know things will be different. So different. I hope i can slay it this semester as well. Though starting off with period pain and back pain, i hope the rest of this semester will be fruitful for my future endeavors in terms of career and mostly, my self-confidence towards engineering. So penat unpacking i took some time off and here i am writing this. Ok sem 2 17/18, bismillah let's go.

Lately I've been thinking about sorting my life out. To think rationally and put my emotions behind. This 2018, I'll make this blog a platform for me to re-organize my thoughts. Mainly to push away my negative thinking. So there'll be raw emotions/thoughts I'll put here without filter. That may affect those who reads. But once it's out here it won't be in my heart anymore, the negativity. Just so you know, readers, if you happen to know me in real life, and have doubts or want to share opinions, please say so. I really appreciate it.

Bismillah. It's 0322 hours and I'm still up doing my assignments because i started late. why? I don't know. I feel lethargic this semester, especially after the mid-semester break. Anyway, i just want to jot down little things that affecting me nowadays. I am doing my assignment and I saw his name again. I really admire him as someone with intellect and also from tarbawi side. I wish to be like him. I know I can, I know I can! bismillah...

Bismillah. Mid-semester break sem 1 2017/2018. //Raw post, grammatical errors and typos are to be expected. It was raining cats and dogs. I went into the airport along with mama and adik. Just to send them off. Bought coffee for me and bapak. The rain started to slow down. Later, we're already on our way back to Kota Belud. Mama called less than 15 minutes after we hit the road. Reminding to keep bapak awake while driving, afraid if bapak was so tired that he'll be sleepy. I said yes okay, don't worry, I'll chat with bapak. We never really did those before, having a proper chat. so it was kinda awkward but with my mind always being loud, it was not that awkward for me (there're always some BGM and thoughts in my mind - ridiculous and silly ones haha). I started to ask questions, just so to get the chat longer, because bapak is the kind of guy with short and simple replies. "Kita kat kawasan mana dah bapak?" "hm, baru lepas Tuaran ni"...